So, four months on and I accidentally discover he has a new girlfriend.  Thanks Facebook.  It was going to happen of course, but so soon?  Especially after having told me he needed space and to sort his head out, ALONE.  You have done nothing wrong.  You’re a lovely person.  You have been so lovely and supporting of me during a difficult period in my life:  unhinged ex-wife, failed business, injury and unemployment.

The week he moved out he got a job.  A mutual friend has since seen him out running.  He has now finalized his divorce.  And who does he share this with……..another woman.  Gee thanks, I feel so much better now you’re happy.  Not.

He who moved out of the house where we shared our life together.  He who doesn’t have to live with the memories everyday.  He who has no contact with me and the devastation and hurt he left behind.  He can live guilt-free in ignorance of the mess and emotional wreck I have become.

I reached out a month ago now to see if we could meet so I could try and get some closure.  A flat-out ‘I want no contact’ was the response in a very cold manner unlike the man I had known.  I’m guessing the new girlfriend was already on the scene at that point.

He who said we’d still be friends, he’d be there if I needed anything.  Took his time about moving his money out of our accounts and up until the picture of the new girlfriend appeared, mine was there.  And we all know when it’s on Facebook it’s a public announcement.  It’s official.  The parents know.  His daughter knows.  His friends know.

Boring old supportive me has been replaced.  She’s new and exciting.  He now has money to do things with her – helicopter rides, trips down south…..all the the things I wasn’t allowed to pay for for us to enjoy together.  God forbid he be misconstrued as a ‘gold-digger’.

I know it won’t last.  This is a pattern and one I knew was there, I guess we always think we’ll be the ones to change their wily ways.  I thought we were a near perfect fit.  A good balance of personalities.  The same morals and ethics.  I thought it would last and I was fully invested in our partnership.  Obviously he wasn’t.  Not even in our friendship apparently.  Or maybe we were never friends, I just thought we were and he allowed me to think that.

What has been seen, cannot be unseen.  The photo of them is burnt into my retinas.  If I want to torture myself I can conjure it up anytime, anywhere.  When I saw it I thought I was going to pass out.  I’ve always considered myself a very stable and sensible person, but this situation has really thrown me off kilter.  Is it because I’m older?  Does love get harder and more painful as we age?  My sensible brain says it should get easier.  We’re all experienced in the ways of love by our 40’s.  We all have baggage of a sort.  Why don’t we compromise more, why are we not nice to ourselves, why not allow for the non-perfect beings that we are and just live and love in peace?  That is probably a whole other blog.

So, after a week of near-total numbness and soul-breaking devastation I have decided I need a distraction.  A big one.  And what’s one of the most common mid-40’s thing to do?  Run a marathon of course.  I’ve never run one before and don’t have the inclination or time to want to run more than one in my life-time.  So.  If I’m only ever going to run one marathon I’d better make it a real adventure.  Cue a small memory from a year ago.  As well as running and bootcamp, the ex and I had participated in a stair climb up the city’s tallest office tower (53 floors) and also a stadium stair run (thousands of stairs!) and he had mentioned in passing (jokingly I assumed) that we could run the Great Wall of China now.

Yep, you guessed it.  I have chosen The Great Wall Marathon.  A marathon.  On a wall.  In China.  Why not?  I don’t need him to do it with me.  I’ll admit I’d have loved to do it with him.  What a wonderful event to share with a loved one.  If nothing else, he was a great personal trainer, very encouraging, supportive, knowledgeable and focused.

The training for such an event will give me a routine. Something I thrive on, (some call it OCD) and something I lost when he left.  It will require me to eat a healthy diet, this is good because I lost my appetite when I lost my love (I’ve lost 7kg).  It will see me seek advice from people experienced in these events, people who I will come to rely upon to help me to help myself get to the start (and finish) line.  Lovely people who I am already surrounded by at work and out trail running.  I will also be relying on them to shield me and run interference when I see ‘him’ in public for the first time since he left.  Because no matter if it’s a week from now, two months or a year, I will be a complete wreck.  I know myself too well.  I know I will be a crying mess.  I’m an emotional person.  I can’t help it.  That’s just me.

Now, I can’t deny that a part of this decision is basically a big F*CK YOU to him!  It is.  Take a look at what your life could have been like with me.  Sure, I don’t NEED you in my life, but I WANTED you in my life.  And, even though my heart does not believe it yet, my head does, and I WILL live my life without you.  And I will be happy.  Evidently I will be fit too.  Bonus.

Now this blog went nothing like I set out to type, but that’s ok.  It’s in the same vein.  You get the picture.  I was dumped.  I am broken emotionally.  I am going to mask the emotional pain with physical pain until there is no pain, just a fit-as-f*ck, 40-something woman, who has survived yet another heartbreak by an emotionally devoid, non-communicative asshole.