Another month on and I’m tired.  I’m emotionally beaten and physically exhausted.  I’ve been on an emotional roller-coaster for five months now and have been using exercise to try and alleviate some of that pain and to make me sleep – except that it’s not working.

There’s still a gaping hole in my day/life/self/heart.  One that I keep seeing Christmas presents for.  Feel the absence of at festive gatherings.  Long to share my daily stories with.  Touch and hold at night in bed.  See smile and hear laugh.

But the house is quiet.  The ghost of memories everywhere.  And Christmas is coming.  I had thought earlier in the year that maybe, just maybe, we might visit his family in the UK for it.  I had picked out presents for he and his daughter.  I was happily imagining our day together.  Now everything about Christmas is just a horrible reminder that he left me.  And the cycle of self questioning and berating begins again.  And again.

Well meaning friends ask if I’m dating again yet.  My mum is trying to set me up with a farmer from a far-flung tiny island off the coast half a country away.  It’s too soon!  Please stop it!  He might have a new girlfriend already but I can’t even begin to think about seeing someone else.  Yes I’m lonely and sad, but how would that be fair in any way, shape or form to date someone new when I know full well I would be comparing them to him and my attention and heart are still with him?

Not to mention I have lost my trust in people and my judgment in character.  I doubt myself at every turn.  I doubt everyone around me.  Are they genuinely happy to talk to me?  Are they really happy or are they pretending?  Will they suddenly leave me without saying why?

Another annoying thing is all the sayings that get around, the one we all know goes something like this:
If you love someone, set them free.  If they come back, they are yours to keep.  If they don’t, it was never meant to be.

Or something along those lines.  And:
What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger.

Uggh!  Yes, my head knows I deserve better and that he doesn’t deserve an ounce of my energy or time thinking about him or wanting him back.  But my heart, my heart is another story altogether.

I’m angry.  I’m sad.  I love him.  I hate him.  I want him back.  I don’t want to see him again.  I want to hug him.  I want to beat him to death.  I want to talk like friends again.  I want to scream and yell at him.  I want an apology.  I want an explanation.  I want to know if he thinks about me at all.  I want to know if he hurts like I do.  I want to know if he thinks he made the biggest mistake of his life.  I want to stop feeling these things.  I want to be numb.  I want to let him go.  I can’t let him go.

I see the type of car he drives, everywhere.  I am surrounded by happy couples.  People my age who have been married for years, sharing a life they built together.  They may not be blissfully happy all of the time, but they work together to be happy together.  Why can’t I have this?  Where did I go wrong?

Yes, timing is everything.  But can my timing have been all that bad?  I’m 42.  Never been married.  I don’t live at home or even in the same city as either of my parents.  I support myself, have done since I left home.  I’m financially secure.  I have almost always been in full-time work.  I’m a nice person.  I’m pretty enough.  I’m not dumb.  Why don’t I deserve to share my life with someone?

Am I destined to be every blokes “rebound” girl?  My nice nature allowing them to use me to “heal” themselves before finding another girl to settle down with.  A girl who doesn’t know their past sad lost selves?  One they can tell their modified version of their life journey to?

I read something the other day about how to explain what I’m feeling if I were talking to a man.  It goes like this:
Imagine you, a man, had been working on a project at work, an important one, a career changing one.  Now imagine all the overtime you put in, the long nights, missed social engagements, missed meals, times you thought it would all fail, the arguments had and the sleepless nights.  It’s finished now but someone else comes sweeping in and takes credit for it.  ALL of it.  No word about you at all.
This is how I feel.  I’ve worked long and hard, not all of it pleasant, on my relationship with you.  Then you go and share yourself with some other girl.  No word of thanks, nothing to show for my efforts.

I longed to see you smile again and did everything in my power to support you when you were down.

Are all men like this?  Or is it just the ones I date?  Am I too nice for my own good?  Do I want too much?  Am I asking for the impossible?  To share my life with someone I love?

I know I have a good life.  I have a job, food on the table, good health,  a roof over my head, loved by my family and friends.  But right now, I don’t want to be me.

I’m broken and sitting at my rock-bottom.  The hole is deep and dark.  There’s a glimmer of light way at the top and I’ve no idea how to begin my climb out.  It seems such a long way to the top.  I’ve climbed out  before, time and again, but I’m tired now.  Tired and sad to my core.

I am too difficult to love?