dating

Why are we here?

Posted on by KMS234

Nowt so queer as folk!  Especially the 40-something, hormonal-swinging, unemployed, lonely, female variety.  That’s me I’m referring to.  Yep.  One minute I’m perfectly happy, rolling along, doing my own thing and tooting my own horn.  Then BAM!  I’ve lost that feeling of self-worth, no-one misses me, I’m sick and tired of being my own cheerleader and I need a hug.

If anyone has read the book The 5 Love Languages, it’ll make perfect sense when I tell you I’m a person who thrives on physical touch.  Fairly closely followed by receiving gifts.  Neither of which is abundantly available when you are single. So what’s a girl to do?  Well, she gets a massage or a facial, goes to the physio or chiro (painful options but touch none-the-less), goes to yoga (yogi’s tend to be a bit more touchy-feely types) and buys herself gifts (a.k.a.  retail therapy).

No I’m not romantically interested in my massage therapist, physio, chiro or yoga instructor, but it is touch enough that I feel validated as a person.  I exist.  And I am “loved” by these people (healers if you will).  Ridiculous I know.  It sounds bonkers to me even.  But isn’t this life?  Isn’t this why we’re here?

Perhaps originally we evolved as a simple species, just procreating and ensuring the survival of our bloodlines.  But then we grew smarter, we created tools, we learned to save the weaker of the species, we learned to speak and think for ourselves.  Have we gotten too big for our boots?

As an educated woman, one who has held down professional positions most of her working life, I now find myself without a job and plenty of time on my hands to think, a LOT.  I can mull things over, over-think things and generally get lost inside my own head, arguing in circles with myself about, well, everything.  Like, why are we here?  What is the point of life?  Were we really supposed to sit in tall concrete towers all day, beavering away at jobs that, let’s face it, most of us hate, most of the time?  Were we supposed to yearn to be the richest, smartest, most physically perfect beings?  Or were we just supposed to just ‘be’.  Be together.  Be happy.  Be satisfied with the basics.  Food.  Shelter.  Warmth.  Belonging.

Right now I don’t want to go back to the rat race.  I simply want to live.  To live side-by-side in peace with my fellow beings.  Specifically, I want to love and to be loved by another.  I don’t want to work at a job I hate in order to buy a big house and expensive things to attract a mate who strives to be the biggest and the best as well.  Just because everyone else is, doesn’t mean we all should.  And to what end are we doing this?  To conquer the world?  Oh please!  Life is not a competition, but we’ve sure as hell made it one!

I’ve reached a cross-road in my life and I’m feeling a bit lost.  I don’t want to compete anymore.  I want to be a part of a team.  I want to support and encourage another to achieve a worthwhile existence.  I want to be supported and loved and happy and healthy.  I’ve said before that I am happy in my own company, and I am.  But as the saying goes, no man is an island.  Or in the politically correct version, no person is an island.  We were never as a species supposed to live alone.

So today I feel like I need a hug.  My hormones are driving me bananas, I’ve had a few unexpected  feelings resurface about the past these last few days, I’m feeling unsure about where I’m heading in life and love.  And generally I feel unworthy of existing.  I observe everyone around me living busy, happy and fulfilling lives.  I’m not sure where I fit in at the moment.

Slightly depressing, yes.  But there’s a million different ways it could play out.  I might be proposed to tomorrow by a dying billionaire.  I might win lotto (if I ever buy that ticket).  I might be gifted a massive inheritance by a stranger (because I don’t want it to be one of my loved ones).  I might write a book that the world falls over themselves to buy.  I might find buried treasure.  I might become a world-famous chef.  I might design palace worthy gardens. I might find an occupation I love and make money out of it.  I might fall in love, with me, and then, maybe, just maybe, I might fall in love with a man who also loves me, for me.

And then………I might just get that hug I so desperately crave.  That’s why I’m here anyway.  How about you?

Position Vacant

Posted on by KMS234

So, anyone following this blog from the beginning will know I’ve had a big year.  From broken soul to a hopeful re-entry into ‘life’.  Marathons run, travels overseas, tentative first dates.  What I haven’t mentioned is the forced unemployment.  Nope!  No panic, it was quite the blessing in disguise.

You see, I was paid to leave a job that I had hated for nearly five years.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!  It was about two weeks before I left for China which suited me just fine.  It left me able to finish my training wherever and whenever I liked.  Perfect.

Yes I still have bills to pay but I have enough of a leeway for about a year – if I’m careful.  Nice!  This is after all perhaps the last chance I will get to have some time off before I retire.  Unless I win lotto in the mean time – and that’s never going to happen if I don’t buy a ticket. (note to self, buy lotto ticket)

So what have I been doing with my time since I’ve been back you may ask?  Checking out potential dates of course.  There’s an abundance of online dating sites and ample opportunity to spend all day, every day, chatting online to strange men.  And it’s with great mortification that I admit I may be addicted.

Addicted to finding love.  Again.  Which I guess is a good thing.  It means I’ve still got hope that I will one day find The One to share my life with.  So it is with high hopes but no expectations that I comb the online profiles for potential candidates.

Can any guy out there please tell me WHY you think a photo with your sunglasses on and not smiling is in any way supposed to attract a potential mate??  I don’t want to date someone who looks like a criminal, with or without sunglasses.  Just SMILE for heavens sake!  This is supposed to be fun. You’re supposed to be flirting.  Show me your best pearly-white grin and flash those eyes at me.  You can tell so much from a persons eyes.  Teeth?  Well, that’s a bit of a personal thing.  I like a decent set of knashers on a bloke.

There is a set of fellas though that will always do themselves a massive disservice by not having a profile picture at all.  Yes, it’s shallow judging each other by how we look, but it’s also a big part and parcel of who and why you fancy one person and not another.  It’s certainly not the be all and end all but it helps if you are physically attracted to someone.

Now I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.  And yes it is bitterly disappointing when you get turned down by someone you find attractive.  But it works both ways and in a pub or club they likely wouldn’t have held eye contact or come over to talk to you, so I can’t be disappointed if I don’t get a positive response from them online.

Likewise that bloke without the photo, or easy-to-see face shot with a smile, should NOT be offended if I am not interested in them.  These sans-photo gents often go hand-in-hand with a profile that is either not filled out at all, or offers minimal, or even untruthful information on the person.

Who do they think they are kidding??  Me?  Nah-ahh!  If they haven’t made an effort on their profile in order to attract a mate and I have, why should I take them seriously?  Am I supposed to be sucked-in by their mystique?   Am I supposed to be the one who carries the conversation by asking a thousand questions that could have been answered if they’d filled out their profile properly?  Is it a test to see if I’m going to judge them?  Well guess what, I AM JUDGING YOU.  We are judging each other.  That’s the whole point!  That’s why we’re here.  We are trying to find the perfect person to fill the (job) vacancy in our lives, partner for life.

Yes it’s a job interview.  Albeit with a few different selection criteria, but a position vacancy none-the-less.  Sure, there are going to be many different people that we could have a relationship with.  We could fit our lives together if we worked at it.  But for me, there needs to be some amount of natural ease with how I fit and feel with someone I intend to share my life with.  That’s not to say it would always be peaceful with no arguments or disagreements, no bad moods or times when one or the other of us would be walking on eggshells for a moment or two.  No relationship is perfect. But on the whole, the partnership should feel comfortable.

This is how I felt about my last relationship (obviously he didn’t and that’s evident in my previous blogs) and how I’d like to feel again.  I live in hope.  I scan the profiles with eager eyes.  Will I find ‘the one’ today?  Will I take one look into those eyes and feel the spark that everyone talks about?  Will he like me back?

It’s really all just a game.  One with which you have to take a pinch of salt – or an entire bucket if past experience serves.  You need a tough skin and a fabulous sense of humour.  Some days I know I can’t handle it.  I shouldn’t message people back if I’m going to be rude – which really is just telling it how it is, some people lack common sense and/or don’t think before they speak/write.  It’s a dance.  And some days I have two left feet.

It’s been a few days since I last looked for my love online.  The anticipation is building.  I wonder how long I will hold off?  Addiction can be a fickle thing.  Some days I can’t hold it back, yet on others, I have it beat!  As a woman I see these ebbs and flows coincide with my hormone fluctuations.  When I have my cranky-hormonal-pants on, woe betide any bloke who attempts to hit-me-up with a ‘hey sexy’ or ‘hi’ and nothing to follow, or no photo, or who has evidently not read my profile.  But catch me on a good day and there’s every chance I’ll be doing my darnedest to make that connection we all hope for.

What sort of day am I having today?  Well, let’s just say if you can string a sentence together using some basic grammar and have a smiley photo with a twinkle in your eye, hit me up!  Let’s make a date for an ‘interview’.

Onwards and Upwards.

Posted on by KMS234

Let the games begin.

Dating in 2016.  Oh boy!  I’d forgotten how daunting this was.  The studying of profiles, making sure you know the basics (if they’ve not lied about them!  Yes, it happens.)  A bit like preparing for a job interview.  And in a way it is.  You’re essentially interviewing a person to see if they fit the ‘job vacancy’ in your life.

There’s the family background to get around, the current family/living situation, children (if any), last relationship endings and when, world travels, schooling, work – past and present………the list is endless.

How much can you glean from their profile alone and should you ask for more details before you meet?  How involved do you want to get before you lay eyes on someone for the first time?  If they’re good looking (in whatever why that is for you – everyone is different) you might instantly take to them and you may want more backstory from them to build them up in your imagination.  Fair enough, but dangerous.

What if when you meet they suddenly fall-short of your expectations for one reason or another?  How disappointing that can be (yes I’ve been there and done that).  But my curious nature demands that I know partially what I might be getting into before I decide to meet them.  Mostly I’m looking for things I know I can’t live with; abusive to a former partner (not that they’re likely to tell you); no children or pets and hates them, a criminal record (major not minor like locked in the clink for drunk and disorderly or shop lifting at age 15), stuff like that.  I don’t care how many times you’ve been married, in my age group it is at least once if not twice.  I’m good with that.  It at least proves that you are willing to try to commit.

So.  I’ve done it.  I bit the bullet and went on a few dates.

Three very different guys, three very different personalities (at least no one can accuse me of sticking to a ‘type’!)  One very shy and reserved, one vivacious and quick to smile, the third a thinker but not too serious (thank goodness).  What a way to practice my social skills once again.  Thank you to those gentlemen for your presence and attention for the hour or more that we shared.

For a fortnight after those dates I went back into my shell and turned a blind eye to men.  Meeting new people had opened the old wounds slightly, let in the self-doubt and let out the self-love.  Oh how I cried before that very first date.  Why?  A thousand reasons and feelings and emotions.  If you’ve been there yourself, you’ll know what I’m talking about.  If you haven’t, count yourself lucky.

Another month on again and the world is my oyster.  I spent an exhausting and confusing Friday evening messaging five different guys.  This I do not recommend.  Not only can you wind up asking someone a question about something they don’t do (one kind soul chose to ignore me when I asked what he was studying at uni……….because he doesn’t study anything at uni!  Seriously!  What a blonde I am.)  But you can end up with several dates, all of whom have piqued your interest in one way or another and what the hell happens when you’ve met all three and liked them all equally??!!  No can do.

Multi-dating is not my thing.  I like to give one person my full attention until I decide one way or the other if we will see each other again or not.  Then only if we are not meeting again will I call up the next guy.  Yep, there’s the possibility of someone dropping off your radar while he waits for you to decide on the first guy.  And perhaps that second guy is ‘the one’, what then?  Well, it’s all about timing.  Some call it fate.

Well, if it is fate, then I leave myself in your hands.  Cue first ‘serious’ date of 2016.  Yes I’ve built him up in my mind slightly.  Yes there is an initial attraction from the photos I’ve seen.  But borrowing some words he said to me recently, I am going in with ‘no expectations but high hopes’.

So much for using marathon training as a distraction………..the chance of finding future love has got to be by far the biggest distraction ever in the human race – am I wrong?   With a bit of luck, planet alignment, fate and genuine human connection, I may find a new future love just the distraction to get me through my marathon training – because right now I am wondering how on earth does anyone ever survive such a grueling schedule and body beating??!!!

I hurt.  But finally, in a good way.